It finally all got to me…I broke.
I recently experienced feelings I had never felt before.
I am not going to go into detail with how I got to this point but what I will say is that small negative blows in life can turn into one massive break down, if you allow it.
I allowed it.
They consumed me, blow after blow, stress after stress, I was allowing uncontrollable situations to eat away to my core.
3 nights ago I stood in the kitchen of our first house that we had just purchased fighting with my wife about why I have been so morbid and depressed and all of a sudden it hit me, I broke down.
For the next 45 minutes I couldn’t stop crying, I tried to eat dinner, take long deep breathes and nothing was stopping this release of emotion.
I turned to my children and picked up my boys one at a time and hugged them hard with the tears still pouring out.
Work stress, financial stress, emotional stress, health stress, all of these little stresses hidden behind a positive smile had finally erupted.
I sat on the edge of our bed in darkness with my face in my hands searching for how I got here. My wife crying because she knew something was wrong but had never seen me like this before, I had never seen me like this before.
After more uncontrollable crying and brain bashing it hit me. A good friend of mine popped into my head and I recall him saying how running helped him clear his head and gain some clarity during his struggles, so thats what I did.
125kg and an aching knee, I laced up my shoes and starting running.
I was a mess, crying and running until all of a sudden my head was clear. Out of breathe and aching I looked up at the stars surrounded by darkness and I finally gave myself an emotional upper cut and asked myself what the fuck I was doing. I arrived home 20 minutes later, finished my dinner. Hugged my wife and made a bottle for my son, I found myself beginning to think clearer.
So what did I learn?
Accept where I am now was because of decisions I had made, it was nobody’s fault but my own.
You end up where you focus your energy and in this situation I focused on the negative and ended up at the bottom.
When in doubt run it out.
Hard times are only momentarily but if you want it to stop you need to focus your attention on what you have got rather than what you don’t have.
Finally, raise your standards and raise the expectations of yourself.